Liberated...

It took me two years to really appreciate myself as a gay woman. In the space on two months I'd came out to my parents and travelled for 22 hours to live with my partner in Florida. Even though I was living my life as a gay woman in a same sex relationship, I couldn't help but feel left out of the "gay community". I wasn't associating or socialising with others, I wasn't spending my time surrounded by the people that felt most connected to, that I had the most in common with. It was only after my relationship broke up and I moved back to Scotland was I greeted by the true lifestyle I wished to lead. I started going out to gay bars and clubs, making new friends and discussing my thoughts and opinions with others. I am a proud feminist also and i actively discuss my thoughts on gay liberation and gay rights.

2009 has been an interesting year, a year of mistakes and learning and year for new adventures. I am fairly active in the gay community and 90% of my friends are gay. I felt Truly liberated when i came back home because it meant I was given an opportunity to be who i really am. I am very much a people person and I enjoy socialising on a regular basis, both with heterosexual and homosexual individuals. I am more stimulated in a gay environment because that's who i am. I live my life as a lesbian. I like to be surrounded my lesbians because that's what I know. I like discussing my life with my partner Davina, because we are a gay couple.

It's hard to broach the subject of gay marriage with heterosexuals. Their reactions differ and it can go 50/50. They could tell you to f**k off or they could be deeply interested in yours. You just don't know how they're going to react, pure and simple.

I look at it this way. A brain surgeon is invited to two different parties. One is for brain surgeons only the other is for people who work as bin men. What party is the brain surgeon most likely to go to? The party for Brain Surgeons of course. I am most likely to surround myself in homosexual company as that is who I am. I have nothing against heterosexuals, I like to talk about what I know best, what I practise and who i am.

Having met the people I now call my friends, I've been surrounded by their emotional tales, the stories of their lives. The heartache and the joys. A friend of mine is trying to adopt with her partner and that's the what life is all about. It shouldn't matter what your sexual orientation is. We are entitled to the same rights as everyone else: Marriage, children and a normal and happy life. It's time the world changed its views and let us live. To be honest, I don't care what everyone else's views are. I am truly liberated as a person and proud of who I am. I am proud to be a woman, a lesbian and I'm proud of the kind of person I am and the people who surround me. I am truly liberated.

Good girl gone bad...

I've never once doubted my sexuality. I think I knew from a very young age that I was different from all my friends. Especially when i started secondary school. While girls with lusting after the school "hotties", young, hot blooded boys, I couldn't stop thinking about how gorgeous Kate Winslet was and what it would be like to kiss her. Sure I liked boys, but only in the platonic sense. My room was decorated with pictures of Take That and Leonardo DiCaprio but i only lusted after them for their talents, singing and acting. Mainly my walls were full of pictures of Kate, her beautiful, full, wavy hair, her passionate lips. That's what took my fancy but i never dare tell anyone.
When you're a 14 year old girl, especially coming from Glasgow, the world and all your peers have expectations of you. Boy meets girl, girl loses her virginity down the local park, girl has baby and boy is never seen again. Something like that anyway. I had tried time after time to be like everyone else, kissing boys and having fun but deep down I knew it wasn't right for me. I didn't like boys and I was a bit unsure of why I felt this way and the more I thought of this, the more different I thought I was.

My first sexual experience with a girl was at a relatively young age. I guess curiosity got the better of us and we decided to experiment, only for me, my feelings towards her were very different from hers. She was my best friend, ever since we were three so who better to experiment with. It lasted 10 months and eventually fizzled out when she didn't want to do it anymore. I, of course was heartbroken. No more cuddles, no more affection...How was I to deal with this? Was it my first real love? A crush? Well, mum gave me some chocolate and that was the end of all that.

Girls, more often than not, or pressured into forming relationships with the opposite sex. There's too much pressure nowadays for young girls to have intercourse. I was no different. I'm not a "gold star" lesbian (a lesbian who has never had sex with a man). I felt the same pressures as an adolescent and eventually succumbed to the inevitable. I slept with boys. Not because I wanted to but because it was the "thing" to do. You get someone to jump in for alcohol and cigarettes, go down to the railway bridge, get messed up and have drunken sex. On the outside I'd be smiling, trying to make out that this was all great fun but inside I was screaming. I wanted to run away, cry, scrub myself clean. I felt dirty, ashamed and most of all, I didn't feel like me. No matter how much I felt this way, I continued to behave in this way until I was about 17.

I got into a lot of trouble when I was a teenager. I was caught shop lifting and cautioned by the police. I was constantly skipping school, getting drunk and wasted on whatever I could get my hands on. Taking cannabis, cocaine and Ecstasy on a Friday night was a regular weekly occurrence. I just didn't care. I'd abused myself by letting men touch me and on top of other family issues, I'd spiralled out of control.

The thought of coming out scared me. How am I going to deal with other people was the first thing that crossed my mind. People can be cruel. Name calling doesn't just happen in the playground. I was scared of being so different to everyone else and at the age of 19, That was my main concern. I was very naive and didn't know much about being gay, what it mean to be gay and I certainly didn't have any gay friends. I felt completely alone and no idea how i was going to handle this. It took me 2 years to find out.....

Exiting the wardrobe...

"Dad, Im in love with a woman and I'm moving to Florida". Those were the very words I used. I always thought of my dad being a bit judgmental. Stuck in his old ways with traditional opinions and values so telling my dad that I was gay seemed to be a daunting thing. The reaction I got took me very much by surprise. "What did you say?" He said. I repeated what I had first told him. "I'm in love with a woman and Im moving to Florida".

My dad looked at me and smiled. "This definite then?" He said. "Yes" I said as I calmly poured water from the kettle all over my toast.

"You're my daughter Louise. I'll love you no matter what decisions you make." Bob wasn't my real dad. He'd stepped in when I was three years old and got together with my mum. He was step dad to my brother Daniel and I and treated us like we were his own. "So you're gay then?" he said. "Yes dad. I like women, not men". He gave me a hug and said he was with me all the way if i needed him. And that was pretty much that. I thought that if anyone would be against this it would be him but i was delighted with how he reacted. It made my life feel alot less stressful.

Mum was easy. "As long as you're happy. It makes no difference to me babe". And that was that. I've been treated no differently by parents and have their full support and love. I am one of the lucky ones. I've met and known young people from across the UK that have had top deal with the traumatic aftermath of "Coming out". Young people being thrown out onto the streets, abandoned by their loved ones for loving the "wrong" gender. Women and men with no one to turn to as their lives turn into turmoil. In this day and age, the 21st century and with all the controversy that already exists in the world we live in, we are still being judged. What happen to the quote Live and let live"?

Welcome...

My name is Louise Michelle Scott, I am 26 and I live in Scotland. I am gay and in love with a beautiful woman. I have lots of tattoos and I have two furry screwed up cats. I'm a fairly ordinary woman living a fairly ordinary life. I have a past and I have a future.

I decided to write this blog as a kind of outlet for my emotions. I can record the information of my life and remove it from my head were it continuously swirls around day after day. I also want to help people.
I know what it's like to be in horrible situations with no one to grab onto and when that person finally crosses your path, you can not be more deliriously happy and eternally grateful that they were willing to assist you back onto the right path. I would never have got through my many experiences without those closest to me and if I can bring comfort to someone else, for them to know they are not alone, I'll have told my stories for a worthy cause. Some of my experiences have been uncomfortable to write about, many because I don't talk about them often and having to think about them in order to write them has, at times, sent shivers down my spine. I try to remember that I am only human and that life can deal you some unexpected crap.
I think that in order to really achieve your future, you have to accept your past for what it was. Life kicking you in the ass. Deal with it and move the fuck on. A favorite author of mine, Beverly Donofrio, sent me a quote recently;
"You have to forgive life for being life".